It really is no big secret as to why I’m overweight. I eat. A lot. When I’m happy. When I’m sad. When I’m celebrating. When I’m commiserating. I know it’s destructive behaviour and that I should be at least a stone lighter, but somehow, I’m stuck in this same old pattern. Four years ago after the shock of having a SCAD heart attack, I lost a stone in a matter of weeks. I ate no chocolate, no cake, no crisps. In short, I was motivated with a capital M. So why can’t I apply that same self discipline now? I know what to do, I cook from scratch, I have plenty of time, I work out regularly and I’m really organised.
The crux of it is, I’m an emotional eater. I often feel an emptiness which I interpret as hunger. Today for example, my heart is playing up (I have an irregular beat since my SCAD with runs of premature atrial contractions.) I feel like it is turning over in my chest and I’m not happy about it!! So what do I do? I eat a biscuit. As if that is going to make the slightest bit of difference (well not in the right direction at any rate). I know it’s wrong, but I still go right ahead and do it anyway.
On Saturday, I was standing in the queue in John Lewis, thinking ‘green tea’ and when I got to the counter I said ‘decaff cappuccino’ and helped myself to a bar of Green & Blacks white chocolate while I was at it. My heart said ‘you deserve a treat’ then minutes later, after I’d eaten it, my mind said ‘ you’re a failure!’
Part of me thinks ‘I may not live that long, let’s enjoy life and eat cake’. The other part of me says ‘I’m really healthy, I won’t let this heart problem get me down’. Today the cake lover is winning. Maybe tomorrow the healthy me will come out to play again. I hope so!!